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Funny.co.uk
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Funny.Com |
Points To Ponder
Budgie
Jumping
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EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Joe is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as
possible. (John – Project Leader)
A memo was sent following the
above letter: "The stupid jerk was reading
over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier
today.
Kindly read only the odd
lines – i.e. 1 3 5 7 etc – for my true assessment Of him"
(John) |
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IF
YOU'RE HAPPY
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming
sparrow who decide not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold he
changed his mind, and reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his
wings, and he fell to the earth in a barnyard, almost frozen
A cow passed by and crapped on the little
bird
The sparrow thought it was the end, but the
manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started
to sing
Just then , a large Tom cat came by and
hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
Old' Tom cleared away the manure, found the
chirping bird and promptly ate him.
THERE ARE THREE MORALS TO THIS
STORY
1. Everyone who shits on you is not
necessarily your enemy.
2.Everyone who gets you out of shit is not
necessarily your friend.
3.And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of
shit, keep your mouth shut.
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Micellanous
Jokes |
There was an argument in the topless bar when the customer complained
that the beer was ok but the waitress was flat
A taxi driver who undid the woman's bra was charged with exceeding the
limits in a built up area
For sale complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. Never been opened
-- wife knows everything
The tortoise told the police that she had been raped by two snails.
Can you describe them asked the cop. "No" she said it all happened so
fast.
Letter from a soldier to his dad. Dear dad cant tell you where I am
but yesterday I shot a polar bear
Two months later another letter arrived. Dear dad cant tell you where
I am but yesterday I danced with a native girl
A month later the third letter arrived. Dear dad the doctor tells me I
should have danced with the polar bear and shot the girl
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BLONDE
JOKES
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she
shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up
the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other
side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding
car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The
American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the
American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land
on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the
Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a
huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then
asked, "Is it on or
off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final
examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes
a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes
for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her
and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But
I'm rechecking my answers. |
Just
for the Women readers who don't like Blonde jokes
Subject: MEN
For all of you (especially men) who like to send blonde jokes, pay backs
are hell....
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know: it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?
"God says: "So she would love you."
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A mixed
bundle of short jokes
GOOD QUESTION!!!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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POOR BLONDES... (hehehe)
When blondes have more fun..... do they know it?
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of
the population.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months..... I don't like to
interrupt her.
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I still miss my ex... But my aim is getting
better!
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WARNING: Be nice to your kids... They'll choose your nursing home.
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Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
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HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER.... LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't most people happy?
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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
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Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
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What is a free gift?.. Aren't all gifts free?
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I married Miss Right..... I just didn't know her first name was,
"Always".
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WEST VIRGINIA........ Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
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I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
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BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
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NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.... But if Mike,
Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
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Stress Management
If you feel that things are getting you down, work colleagues are
irritating you and you just want to shout "STOP!!" at the top of your
voice, then try this exercise in relaxation... Close your eyes and
breathe deeply. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in
the crisp, cool mountain air. This is your own personal, secret place
- nobody can bother you here. Continue to breathe deeply, feeling all
the tensions evaporating in the crystal clear sky. You are in total
seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a
gentle waterfall, trickling into a pond next to you, fills the air
with a cascade of serenity. Gaze into the clear, cool depths of the
pond. Notice the sparkle of sunbeams on its surface. Still gazing into
the water, continue to breathe deeply and slowly. The water is clear -
focus your attention. You can easily see the face of the person whose
head you are holding under the water. There... feeling better?
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Q. Why was the blonde staring at the carton of orange juice?
A. Because it said "Concentrate"
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Q. If you pull the wings off of a fly... would it become a walk!?
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One golfer tells another, "Hey guess what! I got a set of clubs for my
wife."
The other man replies: "GREAT TRADE!"
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First guy: "My wife is an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mines still alive!"
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Man is incomplete un till he is married,
Then he is finished!
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A lady placed an add in the classifieds, "Husband wanted".
The next day she received over 100 letters, they all said the same
thing,
"You can have mine!"
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At a cocktail party, one woman said to the other, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man!"
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Getting married is much like going to a restaurant with friends,
you order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that!
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*Q.- How do crazy people go through the forest?
*A.- They take the psycho path!
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Your mommas so stupid......
it takes her an hour to make minute rice.
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*Q.- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
*A.- Frostbite!
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*Q.- How do you get Holy water?
*A.- Boil the Hell out of it!
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*Q.- What do prisoners use to call each other?
*A.- Cell phones!
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*Q.- What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
*A.- Polaroids.
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* Your mommas so stupid....
she got stabbed in a shoot out!
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*Q.- Why do gorillas have big nostrills?
*A.- Because they have big fingers! |
These were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who
obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?
I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the
plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and
then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the
street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -
can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles,
take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about
hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped
continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the
middle of the Pacific which does not ....
oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.
Contact us when you get here and we'll send
the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys'
Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country
bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget
it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and
is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of
vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is
where YOU come from. All Australian snakes
are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal
in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a
kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so
called because they drop out of Gum trees
and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is
the fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia?
(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of
Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where
the female population is smaller than the
male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in
1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the Girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*.
Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her
by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most
places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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A man walks into a bar with
a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on
the counter. The bartender walks up and asks
what's in the bag?
The man reaches into the bag
and pulls out a little man of about 12 inches
tall and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag
and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
counter as well. He reaches into the bag once
again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at
the piano and starts playing beautiful piece by
Mozart.
Where on earth did you get
that?' asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching
into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a
magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: 'Here, rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the
lamp., and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I
will grant you one wish - just one'
The bartender gets real
excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck
walks into the bar. Another duck, then another
soon follows it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the
man and says, 'You know. I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks.'
The man replies... 'Do you
really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??
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ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to
a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered! from ba d breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Turpentine
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a
gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A
while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he
had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it
on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but is on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337..
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the
phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!
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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.'Oops!'
______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _______
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'
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